velcro, it's scary how often you know the right thing to say to me. i need to keep reminding myself that he said he'll always be around, before i let myself spiral into "he hates me and never wants to see me again".

i kept the focus very squarely on now - ie., i didnt tell him details, just the one sentence that x used to happen to me by y person. i think the first thing he said was "well, home probably isn't a good place for you to be right now" and he got angry that i had to look after the dogs and said they should've paid someone else to do it and asked if maybe i could take them somewhere else so i wasnt at home. he told me i need to forgive them so i can move on, but that it wouldnt justify anything that happened. he said it was really important i know that - that forgiving them doesnt mean justifying it. umm... i told him i was scared that no one could ever like me or touch me if they knew, and he said everyone has had bad stuff in their past. he mentioned his cancer, and also one of his friends who used to be beaten up by his folks, but how he's a really social guy who has a lot of friends. we talked about sex stuff and he said i need to feel safe, and that it would come with someone who liked me - that they would want to be patient and help create a safe environment for me. he said sex with someone who cares about you is different to casual sex (i never slept with him but we were talking about how i'd kept freaking out & stopping, and that i didnt want to keep doing that to people). and he said he knew i didnt want a relationship now, but that i wasnt allowed to write it off forever, because people need people because that's how we're made.

im writing all this out because i know i'll forget and then only become insecure. it probably IS good that it was shorter, thanks velcro. i wanted to talk more but we probably would have become exhausted and he mightnt have felt ok with me after. what we did yesterday was manageable.

i dont know about talking about this stuff with him more in the future - i dont want to put him in that position and kind of make it his responsibility to respond to - but it was good for motivating me to really commit to healing this part of my life properly. it was a really challenging conversation, actually, but it feels right now that i've let it settle. he did suggest hypnotherapy for some of the stuff i cant access and said he could introduce me to his hypnotherapist (who's a very close friend of his) but i said that would involve a lot of trust & that's too difficult. but i'm open to the idea, if this talking thing doesnt work properly. but i think i owe it to myself first to commit 100% to giving austin-t a shot, before i try things As way.

in other news, the cancer has spread to A's lungs . he's going away with his new girlfriend for a month, and then i dont know what he'll be up to, so im not sure when i'll be seeing him again but i really really really hope he'll be ok.