also to add: i sent pdoc a txt asking for call back, because i really need him as a security blanket right now. i'm not particularly down (certainly, im feeling a lot better since wednesday than i was before), but it's almost like a little kid needing that reassurance that they did good. im sure pdoc will see it as progress that i could ask him for something when not in crisis. he txted me back at 9pm saying he'll call tomorrow when Didier is also free to chat.

also took some initiative & emailed austin-t a list of topics i want to talk about next week. i've asked him if i could do this in the past, and he said of course, but i never followed through on it. i often go to sessions and the emotions are just so big that i cant bring myself to actually talk about what's at hand. so i'm proud of myself for doing it, after 2 years. he emailed me back addressing one of the issues straight away (he sees me pro bono & i worry about this because i can afford to pay at least a minimal contribution, but he said if he had a room full of his clients and he only got to see one pro bono then that person would be me because he gets a lot back from me also) but the rest of his response was hilarious (taking the piss out of therapy-speak). he must've been in silly season mood because we emailed back and forth for a bit just being smart alecs. it was surprising but really nice to connect to him on that level.

im kind of feeling really lucky about the 3 men in my life right now who know my deepest secrets but still think i'm a-ok.