Darkrunner's thread about using the word "victim" got me thinking about how powerful words can be. It totally came up in session today.

I read yesterday about a senator disclosing that he was sexually abused as a child...and that he was an easy target because he was being physically abused at home and was "lost".

That is my story exactly. I didn't feel triggered when I read it, but as time went by, it's like it took hold in the back of my brain.

So, when I saw T this morning, we were talking about whatever and the next thing I knew I was in my dark place. It's safe there - just darkness in all directions, just me, ALONE. I know T asked me questions, but I can't remember what. A bunch of stuff came back to me from other sessions that I had forgotten about, that was lost time, and I came out to ask him "did this happen?" "did this happen?", and it did.

I wanted to draw, so T gave me paper and colored pencils and a marker, and he sat with me on the couch, but as soon as I had the supplies, I didn't want to draw anymore. I told him I was going to write him a note from my grown up part, and I wrote about the senator.

I wrote the words the senator used. Abuse. Target. And I asked T if those words were true and he said yes. And I asked if they were true for me and he said yes. I scribbled them out, and all that was left were neutral words. I asked him to write the words for what happened to me when I was little. We've never used the "real" words for any of this stuff, I don't think. He asked if I was sure, and I said yes, but while he was writing it, I got so scared and asked if right when we was done we could make a list of words that are true NOW.

So he wrote the words (ugh) and I scribbled them out and started a new list. I wrote some words, and then he would take the pen and add words. And then we made a list for "not yet" too. Some of the "now" words were: safe (mine), Loved (his), believed, trust, grace - there were lots more, but I can't remember. Some of the "not yet" words were: Whole, filled up. Plus more.

When we were done with the lists, I was still so scared. I sat with T and he told me a story and used all of the "now" words in the list, in order, so I could follow along.

Then I asked him to tell me a story from now, from real life, and he told me something he is doing tonight. I needed to be brought back into NOW and it helped.

I had the hugest headache ever after the session. Words are so, so, so powerful. I want to learn to use the words to make their power go away. But just seeing them in writing almost made me completely come unglued. I guess it will be a process, like everything else.

I guess that's all. I asked T if he would say the words from the "now" list on my message later, so I will have them. I want to hang on to them.