I'm not sure. I feel like when I'm at work I can control or suppress my anger or rage, what have you. I've had a busy week and haven't been alone on the weeknights yet. Without having therapy, I worry that all the pushed down surpressed stuff is going to come out this weekend.

A friend asked me to spend the weekend with her for a fun mini-getaway, but I'm so afraid that I'll lose it. She's the one that found me last week, maybe she's worried about the same thing, like she's hesitant to ask me to go because she's afraid I'll lose it again. So now I'm afraid that she's afraid that I'll lose control added into my own fears.

But, if I stay home by myself all weekend and hole up in my house, I'm more likely to lose control because there's no one there to see. The downside is that then there's no one there to pull me back in either.

I know I'm doing this to myself. I'm so afraid of losing control that I'm causing myself to lose control with my own fears. I wish I could explain it better, but I can't really.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't keep posting about all this nonsense.