Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
sunrise, in the past, a couple Ts had me write letters to my mother and then write letters back to me as to how I wished she would have responded. I read those letters to my current T but I couldn't access the feelings.
|
For me, the accessing of feelings had to occur when I wrote the letter outside of therapy, because in T's presence, I felt too good. So I don't think bringing the letter back to therapy with me would have helped either. That was a grieving I had to do outside of T's presence. And that's OK, isn't it? I don't think everything has to be grieved in the presence of the therapist. But he gave me guidance on doing it outside of therapy. Rainbow, maybe a start would be to do some outside grieving and then just tell your T about it. Then maybe later you can bring the outside ability to grieve inside therapy. (I guess that poses a question--are you able to grieve outside of therapy?)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
This is the first T I've been able to start to "let go" with. It's very scary for me.  |
Rainbow, that is a milestone, really, and I can see it would be scary.
I think you are doing great. Maybe you are trying to force the "grieving in T's presence" too much? Maybe just continuing to "let go" with her and feel would be enough for now?
Sometimes if I just sit quietly in therapy, the feelings start to come up to the surface. A lot of time it is sadness. And it is not always clear what it is about, but T always welcomes it. When you sit in therapy, what feelings come up?
I am also thinking back to when I began therapy--the first year or so--and T used to sit closer to me. I needed a lot of support and propping up. He sat so close on some days, sometimes I felt we were almost knee to knee. I don't know if he did that deliberately because he knew it would help me to feel his presence more strongly or what. I needed to feel his strength and caring to get through life at that time. It was a great "crutch" for me. (That isn't quite the right word, as it has a negative connotation--maybe "life preserver" is a better term.) As I have solved some of the worst problems in my life, I don't need his strength so much. He sits further away, and actually, having him sit further away may help me let the negative feelings out more easily. Because he is not so close to me making me feel so good, or feeling so wrapped up in his love, as Improving wrote. If he gives me more distance, it gives me more space to feel the pain. Rainbow, if your T backed off a bit physically (not sitting next to you and holding your hand, for example), would it be easier to not feel so good with her and help you grieve in her presence?