Happy belated X-mas to all

I don't know lmo. Guess when I think about it, a lot of my depression time has been spent trying to figure out the exact causes of my depression, like if I could just find out why, then I can can fix it. What a waste... I mean, there probably is more to it than I will ever be able to understand and now I don't think I'd even recognize "normal" if I felt it anymore.

Yesterday was as close as I can think of. After spending time with my family and working a few hours, I spent some time alone but near the mall. I watched the x-mas lights awhile, there were only a few people around and the sense of safety and trust I felt, due to it being x-mas day and my inner belief that at that moment, for that small period of time, no one in my area was a threat, no one intended any harm, everyone was out to enjoy each moment, kind of reminded me of the long ago days when everything in the world was good. Of course it never really is, but when I was younger I could capture that feeling and hold onto it, never suspecting it might be taken away. I was sad and happy too...

I've tried to imagine what lifestyle would really be my ideal. I'm too confused now to understand and don't really trust anything I believe for the moment, it changes too often and too quickly. Travelling sounds great, but... would it really be the answer or would I consider it to be a dead end too after awhile... sometimes I really feel like all hope has run out, that my mind has been bent in so many directions it can never have its original shape again... a BIG Thank You for listening...