It's always the little things. The things that everyone else would have no trouble coping with. The things I hate myself for. I'm so ****ing confused...

I feel like I have no where to turn. Like I have exhausted everything available to me. I can hit ya'll up for a few encouraging words and then have this thread disappear quicker than I wrote it. I can tell my boy friend I'm having a hard time, but to what end? He can't really make me feel better and I'll just end up regretting it because he'll be worried and nothing will have come out right anyway. I could go journal more ****. Make a few more mental circles until I am too tired to feel unsafe anymore.

I. AM. FINE. Why can I not act like it? Why am I falling half way apart and yet staying together on the outside? Why can't I just flipping lose it already? That would be much kinder than the inbetween. I need to be able to breathe without feeling like its suffocating something inside of me. I need to be able to trust someone without fear. I need to be able to love people without it hurting so ****ing much.

I need to get it together. I am falling behind. I am losing it. And yet, I'm not. I. AM. FINE. Say it a few more times, maybe it'll come true. Like a stupid magic spell.

I don't know what I'm saying. All the same old stuff. I was like this last night and I said tomorrow would be better. It usually is. Well damn it, tomorrow hurts too. How many tomorrows can I do this for? I wish I would just lose it. That would be easier. Sanity is cruel. I cannot do this- watch me keep going.