hi all

i don't have anorexia/bulimia, but have a complex issue with food. ok, i don't eat sometimes, because i hate my body. not for being too fat, but i feel like, i don't want to be nourished. i have borderline pd and cyclothymia, which keeps me busy on the stress / depression / mood swing front. when i'm hypomanic i don't want to eat because i'm too busy doing things, and when i'm depressed i'm too tired to eat, but when i'm stable, lol, which doesn't happen much, i just plain don't want to eat

what i'm wondering is if it's more to do with not wanting nourishment, than the mood swing stuff

i find i have much more energy when i don't eat and that it can trigger hypomania - much better than the depression - and alos, i feel 'less' emotional - maybe when you're so hungry, hunger is all you can think about, and it blocks out the emotional stuff?

i do look at my bottom and my thighs and think - yuck - but i'm a size 6 and there are equally times when i look at myself and think, ooh, you're disgustingly thin

my urge to eat loads and the urge to eat nothing come and go a bit like the moods. interestingly, i was on epilim for a week a while back and instantly became really hungry (cos it does that) and didn't mind eating at all. i was happy to put on weight.

i just wanted to ask, do you feel better when you don't eat? it sounds so perverse, but i really think i do

it's almost like deep down i fear food, and think i don't need it anyway

oooh. complex. confused. sorry. i'm trying not to lie but i think i lied a lot!