You do sound like you are going through a lot right now, chandlerT! My heart goes out to you. Try to take things a day at a time. The journalling sounds like an excellent idea--do keep that up and post here again and let us know how you are doing. A lot of us have been there, I think, trying not to show how troubled we are so we can keep our jobs and friendships.

A website I found that was helpful to me when I was really low was one by Kenneth...google on "Kenneth" and "suicide" and see if you can't find it. The suicide resources listed here are good ones to, to reach out to when you have really low points.

Hugs to you!