I think to a certain degree I am self-sabotaging. I think I've done that to myself in one way or another most of my life and I've never really figured out why. I guess no matter what I do or achieve, I can't believe I'm ever worthy of my accomplishments. Right now my parents are busy planning for my graduation, which I've already told them I don't have any particular desire to go to. If I do go, fine. But if I don't go, it's not going to be the end of the world. I just want to finish this degree and put it behind me. Not to mention that for my parents to come over to Scotland for a week in June would be incredibly costly and/or inconvenient. I have three younger siblings, and they can either come along (which will cost even more) or my parents will have to figure out what to do with them for a week and at the moment all of our relatives are dealing with their own stuff so it'd be really difficult to get them to take on the kids as well. Anyway I ESPECIALLY don't want my parents going through any kind of difficulty for my graduation and I've told them that, but my father especially is determined to go, so I've given up arguing. I do get it. He's proud -- they both are. I'm going to be the first person on either side of my family to graduate from university EVER. That's a really big deal and I understand why they're so excited about it. I just feel like a fraud somehow. I'm not trying as hard as I should be, not doing nearly as well as they think, and every time I think of how proud they are it makes me sick to my stomach. And then I go and do something like sleep for three days straight instead of going to my classes and it only reinforces how unworthy of their pride I am in the first place. It all makes me feel like my life is a complete sham.