I realize that I am somewhat going back and forth between two threads that I started. This is a bit confusing to some who are not following this story. I just chose to continue the 'talk' in this thread since the subject line in the other one is totally off! It is not about her fiance' anymore. I really think that my strong reaction to this is more of my feelings I have for my therapist. The jealousy I have about sharing her with my daughter. The feelings of being betrayed and replaced by my therapist. That is on me, I know. I am allowing irrational thinking to dictate my actions and emotions.

I also realize that I am beating a dead horse here! I am working myself up into a frantic state of paranoia. I need to calm down! Then again, maybe this incident has brought up emotions from my past? Maybe that is why I am spinning out of control with it.

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This is part of what I wrote to bring with me in session on Monday. Not sure I will have the guts to do it! But this is how I feel at the moment:

"Where is that blasted hammer when you need it? I sure would like to smash this computer to pieces! Why would I want to do that? Because this computer holds my thoughts, feelings, emotions, hurts, pain, etc….This is where I store them.

ANGER is not healthy for me. She can get seriously delusional and out of control at times. Smashing, breaking, throwing things, screaming, and punching things feels great at times like these.

Here we go again. The psycho comes out. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. I am sick to death of you telling me about learning to be content and accepting myself. I realize that I am in the "poor me syndrome". I hate this. I know you want me to stop allowing myself to be defeated over everything that challenges me in my life. I am trying! I really do put my heart and soul into therapy. This is not a game with me. This is my survival!

Desperate? Maybe so. I am not always like this. It has just been a very challenging week. I was on an emotional roller coaster over you taking my daughter as a client. I am still mad about that. I trusted you. I felt that you would be looking out for me and making sure that I was taken care of. I did not expect you to do something that may harm me.

I know, this is always comes back on me. What I did wrong, said wrong, thought wrong. Unrealistic expectations of others. Unrealistic expectations of you. Whatever the source, I was really allowing anger to consume me.

You are probably saying what you always do when I am mad or angry, “That’s okay.”

What does that mean? “That’s okay.” Are you saying that it’s okay for me to get angry, yet you are not bending on your position in this?

Am I challenging you? Is this irritating you? Am I crossing a line or something? Is it okay to bring anger in here, even if it may be directed toward you? I hope that I do bring anger today. She needs to be here. I need to do this. Instead of hiding this with myself, I need to express this face to face with people.

I realize that it is not really YOU that I am angry with. I get that. So who am I angry with? YOU represent all the times that I trusted someone and then got stabbed in the back. YOU represent people that expected me to ‘get over it’ when I felt hurt, betrayed, or rejected.

I know that you are NOT my friend. If you say that one more time I am going to scream! But, you can be someone who looks out for what is in my best interest."
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Thank you to everyone who is carrying me through this difficult time. I know that I am all over the place with my emotions. Is this part of being bipolar? UP and down, UP and down.......I cannot seem to keep stable for very long.

Or, is this just part of therapy? Bringing out buried emotions. Being triggered in a situation that takes me back to things from my past? Whatever it is, I am driving myself crazy!

When I calm down enough, I am going to talk with my daughter. I cannot bring myself to discuss it until I am in a rational state of mind. None of this is her fault. The last thing I need to do is take this out on her!

I also realize that my therapist had no way of knowing that my reaction to this would be so strong. Since I have talked with her about my daughter, and wanting her to get help, I am sure that my therapist thought I had encouraged my daughter to call her.

I guess I am the one to blame for all of this