I was never given validation for paving the way. Maybe I can give it to myself, but all it ever has been for me, is more responsibility. Even today, my mother will tell me it's my responsibility to set a good example and be a guide for my siblings, and that's why God put me in the position as oldest. (She herself is in the same position, oldest, and thinks of herself as responsible for her younger siblings as well.) I say to blazes with that; the playing field levels at age 18. My siblings and I are all in our forties. My mother and her siblings are in their fifties and sixties. Good grief, when are people responsible for themselves?

I think things do spill over. Again relating to my position in the family, as a teenager I was pretty much under totalitarian rule, but by the time the youngest was a teenager, my overly strict father was out of the picture, and my mother was basically too tired of it all to care anymore, so my sister got to run free and do as she pleased. One extreme to the other. There could be a connection to my being resentful when someone gets away with behavior I know I would have caught hell for. Which is actually one of my pet peeves--favoritism. Unequal privilege. Celebrities getting special treatment when breaking the law, or better health care when ill with the same maladies I have. Or when there is extensive media coverage of something that happens to a celebrity, but nobody would give two hoots if it happened to me. That kind of thing.

Another situation is the danged-if-you-do/danged-if-you-don't position I sometimes find myself in. As the oldest, I had all of the responsibilities but none of the respect. I was yelled at if one of them got hurt falling off of something, but I was also yelled at if I tried to tell them not to climb up on it. I was expected to be a free babysitter, but they didn't have to do what I said.

Incidentally, today is one of those bad-anniversary days. My PTSD is triggered all over the place.