I always let myself slip back into negative fantasies and negative emotions and thoughts. I can't put things off til later, and it almost feels comfortable to stay in negative-land. When I try to let sadness go, I feel like I'm betraying myself.

Like right now, my girlfriend and I have been having problems. We're really close and we like each other a lot, but right now she has drawn away physically, and she feels really bad about it (and she's done it before with other people, she says) and we're trying to figure it out. But anyway, last week she went to New Orleans to help people, which is great, but she didn't call me when she got there, and she hasn't initiated a call or an email specifically to me while she's been gone, though I did call her once and she called me back, and the phone conversation was really good, though she didn't apologize for upsetting me by not calling me back (I had left a voice mail saying I was upset about it). Now, I'm sure that part of her trip is just her getting in touch with herself and being alone, and I'm sure she's really busy, but I can't stop this all from making me feel so incredibly terrible. I feel like the sky is falling on me; I feel like this issue has combined with my sadness over our not being close, and I'm letting both sadnesses out at once.

So I probably *should* put off all of these thoughts until she gets back in two weeks. And I'm sure I'll feel embarrassed about how awful this feels now, then. But I can't stop myself from thinking things like "why won't she call me?", "I just know she's going to come back and I'm going to lose her," etc. There are trust issues in there -- we're very open with each other, and I have no reason to distrust her.

This escaping is problematic at other times as well. Like when I've done something that upsets my girlfriend, rather than listening intently and focusing on the present moment, I isolate myself and feel resentful and feel bad about it. And then I'll forget it and upset her again.

I don't want to feel so dependent on my girlfriend. I want to share love, and I want to feel independent. I don't feel like it's a problem that I'm sad about this; I feel like it's a problem that I keep drowning myself in misery. How can I stop this? What do you all think?

edit: I feel like I have self-esteem problems, and selfishness problems too.