I hate this life. I am really freaking TIRED. i don`t know. Seems like this subconscious thing with my mom keeps going on...and sure as heck in dreams i suppress and that get out later!!! I am really tired of this!!!!!!!

I just wanted to apply for a job - but it didn`t feel right. One of those called me back and i was all excited about it. But other things kept bugging me until i was real crazy...

This abuse...that abuse........uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am freaking TIRED of it. And ALL comes up form the subconscious so no physical proof it occurred in the first place!! With the OVER HIGH TECHNOLOGY those abusers had!!

My God - i really want to break free!!! I really am angry! I want an access to my emotions...at least!

Last night i had a dream that mom...did things...well...heck i am not sure i can type. earlier and later having flash backs of those occasions as a baby with mom and as a little kid with old neighbor who did me babysitting!!
Something tells me it all really happened and THAT IS WHY i am so angry and disconnected with my body. But when i try to connect i really am tired and feel like everything overtures...yet i NEED to connect.!

If i don`t i ....just..make false decisions out of that disconnected place again! HECK NO!!!!!!!
I want to live a true real bright life. I mean CONSCIOUS. I mean AWARE. I mean AUTHENTIC. RESPONSIBLE. REAL.

Does this really have to be SO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!