Hello,

As I uncover layers and layers off of why I'm feeling so depressed, I realized today that after I confronted my sexual abuser of 7 years, and he denied (which didn't really bother me) but the abusive texts bothered me.
He called me a failure in life, a loser.

That really hurt me. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like crap. I finished grad school 6 months ago, did terribly with grades because while studying all i could think of was my past, don't want a job in the industry i pursued, don't have a bf/husband-suck at relationships, don't have friends, don't have much family except my mom and that also maybe 1/4th, can't share everything with her she gets emotionally stressed and pounces on me, and then i get more emotionally stressed rather than relieved. she can't support me emotionally much.

I'm changing careers and following my dream, but now I don't even feel like doing that. I am too exhausted to do anything.

And I blame the SA for a chunk of this, and then HOW DARE HE CALL ME A FAILURE! that mother****er raped me and KNOWS he caused all this, and says these things back into my face.

I was so depressed yesterday, I had suicidal thoughts, please don't tell me to go get a therapist, i can't. I'm not in US and doctors laugh in my face when I tell them I'm depressed because I'm so young and i just finished my masters and oooh! that' can't be possible that i'm depressed, its probably just a motion i'm going through. um not really.

I try very hard to keep myself upbeat, but I'm exhausted from doing that too. For me to keep myself optimistic, I have to sit online and read articles on optimism for hours and hours and then maybe for like half a day, i'll feel good. but then I'm back down in the dumps.

I'm waiting to move to another city but now I'm just so scared, scared that I'll be alone (i've lived alone for 10 years now) but I'm scared that the same thing will happen, I'll have an emotional breakdown, and i'll cry every night to sleep.

Please help!! Please tell me how do i deal with that abusive text thats stuck to my head now. I do feel like a loser when I look around at my peers and how everyone has jobs, are buying condos, and I'm still struggling, emotionally, financially, relationship wise, and every way possible.