thank you place and stg.

I guess having the stress of work removed for a while due to the holidays has helped some, but I still see myself descending into panic very easily. I'm still not sleeping at all well (eg , it's just before 4am here as I am typing this). Yesterday was a very hard day for me as we visited H's brother. Their mother was staying over, and H's brother has 7 children aged 6-19. It was hard. Then the driving was hard too - very busy and snow on the way home (about 60 miels so not too far but took over 2 hours to get back.)
I'm working at getting to a place where I can "use" the hospital appt for my needs rather than for any agenda they may have. So I have 2 main needs - to get put on the waiting list for some kind of therapy and to understand why things have gone so wrong with all my contacts with the hospital. I'm trying to put the therapy need very much first, then if the second isn't addressed (due to lack of time) it will be easier to ask for another appt to deal with that than to try to get another appt for some kind of psychology assessment. But I am so scared still that it will all go wrong and I will not be able to explain myself.
I have so much I still need to do this week before retuern to work. We have visit to my parents for new year to deal with too - I am hoping we can just make it an overnight stop rather than 3 days.
trhanks for caring and for showing me you care.

C et al