Actually I have no idea where this post belongs. It started out in the eating disorder forum but I don't think that's where it goes. I do apologize for the length I just started writing and it all came out. I'm sorry that a lot of it sounds like one long rant. That being said, I would appreciate any input or insight anyone has.

I hate my body. I used to be anorexic: I still don't have a great relationship with food but I'm here. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the doctors put me on lithium causing me to gain 50 pounds in a couple months. I was so mad. I mourned for the body I had. I mourned for all the work I had done to accept my body (and finally had... my body and I had two happy years together). I was also angry. Seven years in therapy trying to accept myself and I had finally made it and on top of that I was healthy and at a healthy weight. Turned out to be a waste. I was no longer me. My body was gone, buried in layers of fat. My breasts grew a size and a half and my stomach shot out so much that people in the grocery store ask me when I'm due. BTW when did that ever become acceptable?

Fast forward a couple of years to now. I'm still about 30 pounds over the weight I was, my breasts (which were too big - disproportionate to my body to begin with) have not shrunk a bit. Because my breasts were always too big I've been planning on having them reduced for about 6 years. They're causing back problems. I'm still planning on that. However, I want to wait until I'm finished having kids because I know that will effect my breasts and also I want to be able to breast feed and I know sometimes complications from surgery make that not possible.

I have always been open about the fact that I plan on having a reduction. The guy I was in a relationship with for three years and am now friends with was always supportive of the idea. In fact he went so far as to say he likes them ok now but he's a "smaller breast guy" and so was totally ok with me having a reduction. I know he was trying to be supportive but he kept bringing up the idea on his own and every time at some point in the conversation worked in that he preferred smaller breasts. Guess what: that doesn't feel supportive, it feels like he's telling me there's something wrong with who I am. Sorry my genetics didn't work out how you'd like them.

None of my clothes fit so mostly I wear jammies. I wear them so often it has prompted people to ask if I even own regular clothes. Thanks for the confidence boost people. Then as if comments from strangers weren't enough, I was complaining to my mom one day about how people were treating me. She suggested I get liposuction because "she just wants me to be happy with my body." This coming from an obese woman. I told her to stop projecting her issues on me and that unless she was planning on paying for said cosmetic procedure it need never be mentioned again.

My mom got after me for wearing "ratty" clothes and never wearing a bra and I calmly (or not so calmly) explained to her that I spent 4 hours in Dillards trying on bras - with the fitting expert - we found nothing that fit. She suggested that I go to a place here that does custom bras. I mentioned this in passing to the ex 2 weeks ago. Not a day has gone by that he hasn't mentioned me going or offered to go with me or "today would be a good day you're not watching kids" or "I have the day off how about we go to the bra store today and I'll watch the kid." It got to where I felt like I was being criticized every day I didn't want to go subject myself to being naked in a dressing room with a fitting agent trying on bras that don't fit for hours. Gee, I'm sorry that's inconvenient for him. Again, I know he's trying to be supportive but it's not when I feel like I'm being judged.

So, what I'm working on in therapy right now is body image and self esteem. One of the things that is suggested for helping body image and self esteem is to be naked. I live with my dad and my brother - not happening. So the ever so helpful ex has been coming up with ways for me to be naked to help my self esteem including: my dad and brother left town this weekend the ex called from work to suggest I be naked because I was the only one here, I can go over to his place and be naked whether or not he's there, etc... Again, I know he's trying to help but damn it stop pushing me. I don't want to be naked. I'm not comfortable being naked and even though he and I have relations occasionally I damn sure don't want to be lounging around his house hanging out naked.

He came over last night after he got off work and mentioned the fact that I wasn't naked. I very calmly despite my aggravation explained to him that 1 I did not want to be naked 2 I am not comfortable naked and 3 that I did not want him to think that me being naked was an invitation (btw there's some sexual abuse/rape in my past). I told him I knew he was just trying to help but he was hurting my feelings and making me uncomfortable. I told him I felt the same way about the bra situation. He got really quiet so I asked how he was feeling. He said he didn't know. I said, "persecuted or like an asshole?" He said persecuted. Then he said that my heart rate goes through the roof when he touches me and it hurts his feelings. I very calmly said, "I have body image issues and I go to therapy every week and work on them. I do my homework and read the book. I'm doing everything I can to work on my issues."

He then reminded me how I don't remember sex and perhaps that's part of it too. I replied with the same statement about going to therapy and working on my issues. He said well, it just hurts his feelings. I said I'm sorry and said that he was not helping with his comments about my body. I know he's trying to but he's just making things worse. Well then he was mad at himself for making me feel that way. Give me a break. He took what I was trying to say, valid points about how his comments effect me and made it all about him. I got so mad I could feel steam coming off my body. I told him I didn't want to talk anymore I just wanted to go to sleep.

He came to bed and tossed and turned and fumed punctuated by big sighs and huffs then said he was going out to get some air. Just after the light in the bathroom went off from him leaving (it's on a 5 min timer) he came back (turning the light on in the process). He then sighed and fussed and kept trying to touch me. Let me tell you, I did NOT want to be touched. He kept saying, I'm so mad at myself. This is not about you this is about me.. don't make it about you. Heaven forbid I stand up for myself. I'm still fuming and he keeps asking if I'm mad but if I say I am (and I am) well then that gives him a new reason to throw himself another pity party. Poor him, he said something that upset someone.

I don't think asking him not to comment on body image issues is unreasonable, is it? Is asking him not to bring up a breast reduction or how he likes smaller breasts unreasonable? Is asking him not to pressure me into buying new clothes? How bout asking him not to remind me to "weigh in" everyday on my wii fit plus and enter my activities for the day? I am so frustrated and at my wits end. He is so supportive in other areas of my life and I like having him around (generally) but right now I'm really mad at him and remember part of the reason we broke up (I wasn't allowed to have my own issues and problems without them being partially his fault. I would have to swallow my own feelings to comfort and reassure him that I wasn't mad so he didn't have to be upset - guess what, done doing that too). Am I wrong to be mad?