Every girl with her name is her, every boy with his is too. My friend acts a little off cause he's upset or sick, I see their names on a chatboard or anywhere and suddenly I'm scared it's them. But I know that's not true because they're not as obsessed with ruining my life as I am obsessed with their ghosts. I'm scared that they're stalking me, I'm scared that I'll be forgotten. I'm scared of moving forward with my life, scared of change, and leaving behind the normal that I've been rotting in for over 3 years.. but also afraid of going back to them. I don't want to stay where I am now, but I don't want to go anywhere either. No where feels safe anymore and I'm just so tired of it all.

I should let go, get rid of all this anxiety, but I cannot. I'm worried that my my knowledge of who they are isn't true and it's cause from possibly having BPD or maybe it's just my teenage emotions going haywire so I idealize them and demonize them depending on what they do.. Then I worry that I'm being too dramatic, I'm changing situations so I'm the victum, I'm the one left abandoned (which is esentially how I'm always feeling) and what they said is true, but then I don't have any knowledge of who I am either so I'm just left pulilng my hair out not knowing what to think.

I've been trying to ignore these thoughts for months now as people have told me to in real life, but it's not helping.. I'm much too young to be having all these issues.. If I talked to my Dad about it he'd brush me off and I've been kicked outta that therapy thing.. *sigh*