I am in a position where I just can't express all that is going on in my life. I am dealing with flashbacks & triggers that are causing me to relive everything that happened last year at this same time when my mother was dying of cancer. I feel like I am frozen & not even able to function let alone sit down to the computer & write anything specific about it. I am only able to come out of my shell long enough to take care of my responsibilities at the ranch. My concentration is so poor that I am not even able to work with my horses & practice my dressage riding since it seems to require more thinking than my mind is capable of.

To add to this are the continuous fights with my husband which at least reinforces my decision to get the divorce.

It seems like my mind won't allow me to sleep even with the help of my meds. Nothing is keeping the nightmares away. When I am awake I try hard to work on packing up my house so it will be ready to put it up for sale.

This snowball effect seems to make my llife feel like a continual daily rerun. Living through it is enough & not something I want to dwell on by posting about it. Life feels so complicated & the exhaustion just adds to my lack of apppetite which in turn adds to the exhaustion & lack of ability to concentrate (the vicious circle....or in computer terms, the endless loop).

I feel lucky to have gong back to my previous psychologist. I don't get side tracked talking about my horses & dressage riding & have been able to open up to him much better than before. This is basically the reason I haven't been posting. I am wrapped up in my own world right now. My issues fit under relationships, Drugs, Caregivers, grief, psychotherapy, depression, anxiety, eating issues, & PTSD....where in the world would I start anyway. With all this going on inside of me, I find it difficult to even post meaningfull responses. I pop in once in a while to see what is going on but that is about all I have energy for.

To top this off, animal control was came by & has required us to find places for our dogs. I will be sending some of them down to my Mothers house with my husband for awhile. I found a home for one of my Eskies that I had located before this all came up & it she is very happy being an only child now. A couple of my eskies are going back to their breeders.....& the dog I found that was our neighbors is going back to them. That neighbor was doing some contract work in our house & has several thousand dollars of unfinished work that has already been paid for. I am putting together a list of demands that I am requiring to be finished within 30 days or I will take legal action & giving them to him along with his dog that we haven't found a home for. It was his wife that complained about our lab mix......so guess I am just getting as even as I can for that. As if I needed any more hassles right now.

I hope you all are enjoying this holiday time,
Debbie