Hi Tamika,

Hmmmm...

I hope you realize that the things you talked about and the feelings your are experiencing are very, very common in younger people that were brought up in the culture you were brought up in... Not that that makes it easier for you by any means, but I just wanted to make sure that you are aware that the feelings you are experiencing are the result of the culturally derived expectations that are placed on you. As hard as it may be for you to believe, there are literally hundreds of thousands of young people that are in the same boat as you. It is all due to the very strict and incredibly demanding expectations that you have been subjected to for your whole life.
You are expected to excel in school. You are expected to excel in everything you do. You are expected to do nothing that might bring shame on yourself or on your family. You are expected to be dutiful, obedient and respectful of your parents... and on and on and on and on go the expectations...

And here is the real kicker...

Because you were raised to live up to all of the expectations that were placed on you by all of the external influences in your life, you in turn place those expectations on yourself as well. They become an integral part of the way you think and act and make choices in your life. Those expectations form the basis for how you judge your own self worth... You are constantly comparing yourself to your expectations to see if you measure up... to see if you are fulfilling the need to be as you are expected to be...

What that mindset creates is a person that is very intolerant and unforgiving of what they perceive to be personal faults. Instead of finding forgiveness in themselves, they can only find shame... They find shame for their shortcomings and and for their unworthiness.

Does this sound familiar Tamika? Is this what's going on with you?

I am asking you this because I've just spoken of things that I know little about, but have only felt from reading your post...

Am I imagining all of this or is there any truth to it?