I am not sure if this belongs here or not, but if it breaks the rules I am sorry and won't be angry if it gets deleted.

I feel like I have to come clean and I don't know how to tell my therapist this.

Whenever I have a session with him and we talk about an episode, I tell him that I want to get better, that I want this bad stuff to stop happening. Well, last time I hinted that I wanted to use a bunch of pills to just stop time for myself for a while, not to kill myself, but to see what happens on the other side of the OD. I don't think I was clear with him about it though.

I will try to eplain here. This may get long so feel free to drop out of reading it at this point.

Ever since i was a ki i have wanted to be sick in some way. I wanted something serious that wouldn't kill me, but would come close, something that would put me in a coma, or in the hospital for a long time. When I was in middle school, I would read books about people who barely survived cancer, or anorexia or some other serious illness and I wished I could have the experiences they had. They say be careful what you wish for, right?

Fast forward to two years ago. I am a 34, now 36 year old woman with a husband and two kids and I have just been told I have bipolar. That the world I created for myself as a kid just happened. I have a serious disorder. Am I happy? No. Do I want it? No.

Do I want to get better? I don't know.

I put myself to sleep at night sometimes pretending that I ODed on Seroquel or something else we have in the house. I calm myslef down to sleep by pretending that I am in the hospital and someone will be doing checks in a few minutes. I imagine how much harm I could do to myself in the 15 minutes between checks. I imagine what would happen if they had to put me in restraints.

Then I go to therapy every week and say that I want to get better. I feel threatened when I am having a good week or day although I post all over the internet that I am doing well and I am happy about it. Really, I am panicking. I tell everyone in my life that I want to get better, and I do all the things required to get better because I am afraid of ridicule by my family, and treatment team.

I don't think I know what I am really trying to say other than maybe I am a hypochondriac who likes being sick, or maybe I just need the attention.

I am afraid I will be found out that I am a fraud and yet, here I am posting the truth. It's like two people live inside me. the one who knows what I should do to fit in with the world, and the one who says F*** it, just enjoy the attention your sickness can bring you. Then the other one says something like, "Everyone will think you are crazy." So I am keeping the secret that I am crazy, so that no one thinks I am crazy, even though I want to be crazy. (and I use the term sarcastically toward myself not at anyone else here)

Help, if you can... I still don't think I have expressed this properly.