you are NOT disguting!! you, like most of us here, suffer from a disorder that has taken us over!! I know of many MANY times I have done, said, and felt just like you... only out of fear of losing my kids, family, and being so convincing that I am "crazy" that I never get let back out into the "real world". ((((HUGS)))) to you. I know from my own experiences, most of the time I don't WANT to get help (although I do KNOW I NEED help)... I just want to be ME and live this life of constant pain and confusion... but I "pretend" for the dr or else be shunned by my family..