wolfsong,

This really hit home. I've never had anyone tell me that curling up into a ball and withdrawing was okay. Only that it wasn't. That I couldn't let "being down" or depression win, not even for a second. So when it's happened due to what I know now is natural limitation, I've felt like I've failed, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't handle everything all the time.

Many of the more unhealthy people in my life, those that I have had to pull away from, expected this of me. It started with my mother, for whom I had to "be strong" after my parent's divorce. I wasn't really strong for her. I just hid everything, stuffed it down until I couldn't feel it anymore. It was the only way I could deal with the situation because there was so much I couldn't tell her. I couldn't even miss my father in front of her without her becoming angry. It formed a pattern, one which persisted for the remainder of my childhood and teenage years. I cannot directly communicate any issues I have with her without comparisons or judgments.

This resonated through my relationships over the years as I thought this was the norm. When I encountered it later I accepted it as such instead of pushing back against these unrealistic expectations.

You are right about the question "is this all there really is to life" being asked at a moment where I've hit a brick wall. In examining everything the past few days I know I have lacked perspective because of the enormity of my feelings. I've tried to take a step back and not be so "black and white" in my thinking. It's difficult to change those basic thought processes because of the urge to "knee jerk" right back into that thinking but I'm trying to just set the issues down while I feel overwhelmed and not make decisions about them or myself while I am so emotional. I feel this is an important first step in regaining control of my thought processes.

Thanks for your response, it has helped a great deal.