Carmen,
First I have to say there is a reason to live. I have told my husband also that I don't want to live but I won't kill myself. I don't think he fully understood what I was trying to say. Now I have told him that I don't want to live but I cannot kill myself because it would crush my mother and I have friends and family that it would hurt. Most importantly I have 4 neices and nephew and I do not want them to remember me as the aunt who killed herself. I want to someday tell them what I went thru and that I made it. My husband was shocked to hear that Iw as only living because of other people but it's the truth and one I remind myself of everytime I think of ending it. It's the only thing that keeps me here. You hang on to your children and remember what it would do to them. I would go thru anything not to hurt my mother, neices and nephew in that way.
Second, don't you for one second feel guilty or bad for not wanting to have sex with your husband after he has been drinking. I can totally understand how you feel. My husband wa a real jerk when he was drinking and now if he is out drinking he is not allowed in the bedroom. I am afraid of him for other reasons but having him touching me when he has been drinking makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It is a horrible feeling and one you shouldn't have to experience. I have had alot of experience with an alocoholic father, an ex who was an alcoholic and now my current husband who doesn't have a drinking problem but more a problem when he is drinking. If you need help or advice please send me a PM. I have been thru the whole from alot of different aspects.
There is no reason why you should have to deal with someone when they are drinking if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Heidu