Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...

SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!

From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.

Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!

Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"

I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!