*TRIGGERY*

I was talking to a friend tonight. I told her that I couldn't be around kids anymore. Then she asked me if it was because of what my ex did to me and a little girl. The answer is simply yes. That started me thinking about how it all happened over 5 years ago.

I was being held against my will...my bf was holding me down, grabbed my hand and made me touch that little girl. He made her rub my breasts. I couldn't move. He had me pinned down. I almost forgot how it started. He told me she liked girls too. Why would someone use my sexuality against me? I feel so ashamed and like this is all my fault. No matter how hard I tried to stop it, tried to fight back, tried to protect this little girl, I couldn't overpower the bastard enough to get away or to stop it!

I have trouble with this so much. Am I the monster or is he? I can't be around children for this reason. I see the fear in her eyes and the pain and uncertainty when I see children. I see her. I don't see anyone else. When I hear children, I don't hear them, I hear her cries. I swear to the Goddess....I tried to stop it! Why isn't that enough? Why is it never enough to be so sorry for what happened that I would try to hang myself several times. Because of this I can no longer work anywhere, I cannot have children around, I cannot be happy at all. I can fake it, sure, but not be truly happy.

When he was strangling me, I wish he would've just finished the freakin job!