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Originally Posted by inbloom
Hi everyone. I am going to write a really really dumb post right now because it was either that, or never come back here again....*sigh* I just apologize in advance for being so completely lame and childish...
SO, for a long time now my T has been encouraging me to reach out to others, and to expand my support system, build connections with peers, etc... And, I have just felt like there is NO WAY I can do it. It has become very frustrating because its like any problem that I have or any feeling or emotion that I try to deal with is just answered with, "you need to build up other relationships," I can't be the only one here for you," "This will get better the more you socialize," and blah blah blah BLAH!!!!
From as far back as I can remember, I have ALWAYS felt marginalized....always felt different....always felt like no one understood me, and if they really did know me then they wouldn't want to anyway. It got a lot worse as of a couple of years ago after I suffered some really huge losses and just totally isolated myself in order to cope.
Now, my T is just back to pushing and pushing and sometimes I just feel like I don't even want to go back because he is giving me an answer that I don't want to hear because I really really feel incapable of doing it!!!
Coming into this group is sort of my first lame attempt to connect with people, and seriously, I even feel like this is too much for me. I hate rejection, I personalize EVERYTHING, and last night I was sitting here thinking, "See, even they don't like me...they don't want me to be part of their group....I am never posting another thing there....EVER!!!"
I had to take a deep breath and make myself come back on and just SAY THIS because all too often, I just run away. But, in reality, no one has done anything to me, and I still feel bad.....if I can't even join into something online where I am anonymous....if I can't reach out here and if I feel rejected here...then how will I ever be able to build relationships in life?? And, if I can't do it then why am I even going to therapy anymore.....if that is the answer why bother???? I am just always feeling like a failure and just incapable and lame and yucky! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
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((((((inbloom)))))) Bless your heart!
I have been admiring your honesty and your courage so much to just jump in and share.....to ask for support and to give it. You have done so well and I have so very much appreciated your posts and you being here! You are neither lame nor childish, but wonderfully and deeply insightful and perceptive.
I understand in a personal way so much of your post....my T has encouraged me to reach out and learn to ask for help and support instead of keeping my pain and needs to myself, to expand my support system, to be more open, to trust more. I do so relate to the fear of rejection and to taking things personally; I struggle with these things a lot. So I am SO impressed that you have been able to take a deep breath and jump in as you have......even sharing this is a huge thing, much more than I could imagine doing! So you have been brave and I am so proud of you!
As far as PC goes.....it actually took me quite a while to join, a while longer to post, and I'm actually still wondering sometimes how useful and helpful I really am around here! Or if I'm even liked, too......though I shouldn't be wondering this because I really know so many have reached out and shared themselves and helped me so much. Anyway....you have already helped me and I want to thank you for it. Please keep posting and reaching out, we are here and we care!