When I leave a session, I either have an elated feeling or horrible feeling. There just seems to be no inbetween. Many times I leave and tell myself that I am never coming back. Therapy is a crock and I am not going to waste any more time or money on it!

What comes to mind is the fight or flight response. I either fight through that emotion or I give in and feel defeated. I think this is how I interact with others. When I get in an uncomfortable situation with someone, I will avoid them like the plague! I won't address that issue if I can keep from it. If they come to me, I will talk, but I don't make the first move to make any kind of reconciliation. This would mimic the flight response: run, get away, save yourself!

Other times I am so angry at the person I could smash their face in! Of course I don't, or I would have been in jail a long time ago. This part would be the fight response. I think that I am not about to let someone do this to me. I didn't deserve that and I am going to give them a piece of my mind (what little I have left). I think the fight is also with my emotions. I am not going to allow this incident to defeat me! I am going to fight through those feelings and get to the other side. I will fight alone, but I will fight.

When thinking of my therapist and worrying a bit about a rupture, I wonder if my fight response may cause that to happen? Maybe that is why I cannot show anger in therapy? Maybe those are the sessions when I shut down because anger is wanting a voice, but I am afraid to let her talk. I am afraid that she may say something horrible and offend my therapist and cause her to have hard feelings against me.

My assignment for next week is: Why do I fear allowing anger to show in therapy or in other situations. What holds me back from getting to the core of my anger issues? Why do I feel that anger is bad? How could I benefit from showing anger?

Worrying about causing a rupture is part of that fear! I also am just not comfortable showing anger. I fear that I may lose control. This may sound strange, but I actually do want to lose control in therapy. Not going to hurt my therapist or tear up her office, but I desperately want anger to come to therapy with me.

I really want to bring her to session next time and let her talk. What can I do to make her feel welcome? How can I trigger that and still keep myself from losing it? I want a melt down next time. I need that. Crazy? Yes it sounds crazy, but I need that release!

It will be one or the other: Shut Down or Melt Down. Shut Down shows up too often. Melt Down is tired of losing this battle! She wants to get out and let her needs be met. Let the battle begin!