its funny how life goes; one minute you feel like the world is at your fingertips and the next minute you look down and those same fingertips filled with infinity are either slicing open your body, slamming a door on your wrist, or holding a frying pan burning to your thigh.*

why is self injury so hard to get over? why is it so hard for others to understand? why do i feel so alone?

anyone who has been reading my blog knows that i don't often talk about self injury, but when i do i make it count. it's hard for me to talk about hurting myself because i am that easily triggered, just thinking about it makes me itch to hurt. moreover, it is something that is generally so shamed, so looked down upon... how could i try to be a successful person in this world and still fight the demons of self injury?

the only time i ever really spoke to anyone who injured was in groups while living at mclean, but even then injurers were far and few between. i've always wanted a girlfriend who i could concede in, who i could unload all the pain and chaos and they would just look me in the eyes and say, I UNDERSTAND. LETS BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER.

i'd do anything to have someone to call and be real with. you'd think with all the therapy i've been in recently and all the people i've spent my days with that'd i would have found someone.*

but i feel so alone. still. wasn't residential inpatient therapy for almost a year supposed to help with that?

the reason i am bringing this up right now is because self injury is something that i am dealing with hard core right now. i am trying to cleanse myself, to strip away all the pain and chaos that comes with self injury, to pick that meat off the bone and start anew.. but i can't seem to do it.*

wendell has been trying his hardest to keep up. he pushes razors to the back of the bathroom cabinet and hides the kitchen knifes in places i can't see or reach. he is trying his hardest, and i AM thankful... i just wish he didn't have to try so hard.*

i'd love to know how other people feel about this, so let me know.*