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Old Feb 22, 2011, 10:58 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 13,284
I'm having a hard time dealing with my session today. I didn't like being an adult talking about my mother. It was hard and I kept avoiding looking at my T. She wants to do EMDR about my mother next week. She also gave me a book on grieving that she didn't even read yet.

I didn't cry. She said it's okay to cry outside of therapy if I can't in the session. What hurts, and I know it's so stupid, is my disappointment that my T is "not the one". Duh. Of course I know that, and I know about transference, and I even told her that I know she can't replace my mother. But I wish she could. I HATE that she can't. I don't want to grieve for my mother. It seems like I care more about my T than for my mother, though that's not true.

I emailed my T that I hate her and I'm angry because she's "not the one." I feel lost and alone now. My T thinks I need to grieve for my mother though she died so long ago. I was 34. She thinks that's young to lose a mother; I always thought it wasn't, and that I should have been an adult taking care of my Mom when she was sick. Instead, I pushed it all aside and stayed a child. My Mom didn't say goodbye to me though she was sick for a few years. I think it's my fault we never talked about much. I don't remember exchanging "I love you's" at the end.

I suppose the grief is for my mother but it's also for my T because she's just my T. You don't know how much that fact HURTS me. She wants me to write a poem "for my mother". I don't want to but I know I will.

I trust my T because grief and loss are her specialties, but I feel so bad right now. I also hate that someone comes after my session and she was waiting so I saw my T greet her with a big "hi". I hate reality.
Thanks for this!
granite1, learning1, pachyderm, WePow