Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
I'm having a hard time dealing with my session today. I didn't like being an adult talking about my mother. It was hard and I kept avoiding looking at my T. She wants to do EMDR about my mother next week. She also gave me a book on grieving that she didn't even read yet.
I didn't cry. She said it's okay to cry outside of therapy if I can't in the session. What hurts, and I know it's so stupid, is my disappointment that my T is "not the one". Duh. Of course I know that, and I know about transference, and I even told her that I know she can't replace my mother. But I wish she could. I HATE that she can't. I don't want to grieve for my mother. It seems like I care more about my T than for my mother, though that's not true.
I emailed my T that I hate her and I'm angry because she's "not the one." I feel lost and alone now. My T thinks I need to grieve for my mother though she died so long ago. I was 34. She thinks that's young to lose a mother; I always thought it wasn't, and that I should have been an adult taking care of my Mom when she was sick. Instead, I pushed it all aside and stayed a child. My Mom didn't say goodbye to me though she was sick for a few years. I think it's my fault we never talked about much. I don't remember exchanging "I love you's" at the end.
I suppose the grief is for my mother but it's also for my T because she's just my T. You don't know how much that fact HURTS me. She wants me to write a poem "for my mother". I don't want to but I know I will.
I trust my T because grief and loss are her specialties, but I feel so bad right now. I also hate that someone comes after my session and she was waiting so I saw my T greet her with a big "hi". I hate reality.
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((((((Rainbow))))))) Oh goodness, I can understand so many of the feelings you describe. It's hard, huh? It's so SO hard when that reality that they are *not* the one, just slaps us in the face. It's like, for me, I know it....of COURSE, I know it, but there is this very tiny little part of me, a young part, and a needy and sad part, that maybe still holds on to the fantasy that T *could* be the one. Then there are just those moments of reality hitting like a ton of bricks where I wake up and even my young parts have to know, have to REALLY *know* that T can never/will never fill the hole/replace the loss/be the one. It is damn hard!
My situation is a bit different but I think that it is similar in that the feelings of loss are really/should really be attached to my father, and not to my T. So, I do think that there is something to be said about connecting the grief and the sadness with the person/situation that it really and truly belongs too. It's hard to do that, but my T pushes me there too....tells me to grieve the parent/child relationship that I lost, acknowledge it, own it, recognize it. I guess the goal is to understand that the huge sense of emptiness and longing belongs there, and does not belong to the loss that I feel as a result of T's inability to be "the one." I am not sure if I am explaining this very well, but nonetheless, I feel you.
I also understand being really angry at T and wanting/needing to express that. I do it ALL the time!! So, do that, express your anger....let her have it if you need to and then, take a breath, plant your feet on the ground, and write the poem to your mom....do what she says. When all is said and done, I always have to remind myself that I *truly* believe that my T has my best interest in mind. It sounds like you know this about your T too. She knows what she's doing. She cares about you. She wants to help. So, once you have vented and expressed what you need to express....try to breathe and just listen.....
