POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING RE: SI

Well I saw my T today. It was only supposed to be for an hour but I ended up seeing her for 2.5hrs! Longest session ever! We had to take a break and go to Starbucks to recharge. According to her I appeared to need a latte. Oh T, Lol.

Well overall I would say that it was a good session. Kind of all over the place. We talked about my current relationship with my boyfriend and the need for me to tell him about my nigt "issues" and trying to come up with ways to tell him as he wants me to spend the weekend at his place and I am not sure if I am able to go through with it or not. I just don't know what to say and how to explain it to him...We also talked about my homework that she gave me last week. I was supposed to make a list of things that I appreciate and another list about things that I appreciate about myself. The second one was EXTREMELY hard for me as you guys know but I was able to come up with a few things and she said that she was both proud of me for trying and also for coming up with some things as well.

We talked about some of the positives going on in my life right now and how hard it is for me to focus on the positive. I told her I woke up at 5am last night distraught about things that happened to me and how things continued to constantly go down hill with no improvement for about 15yrs and why nobody was able to see that something was wrong or were able to help me. She talked about needing to stay positive and everytime I have a thought that is questionable to ask myself would I say that to a small child? If the answer is no, then throw the thought away immediately.

I told her that I started cutting again last week. I was worried that she might dismiss it or spin the postive on me again but she didn't. She said "OK, well you had stopped cutting yourself for awhile so what was it that you did then that helped you through it?" So we talked about it for a bit. I also said that I had missed cutting and she said that it was because cutting and my purging have become an addiction for me. I also was scared to tell her that I like to cut for fear of her reaction. I know that it is wrong but I can't really help the fact that I like doing it but I didn't know how to tell her so I asked her the quesiton "Is it bad if someone likes to cut?" (I didn't think that it would be) and she said "Yes, it is bad to like cutting, it is bad, why?" so I stared at the carpet and said in my child's voice "I think I like cutting...." and let my voice kind of trail off. She responded nicely which I was really happy about. She explained to me that I probably don't like the actual idea of cutting but I get something from the act of cutting, A physical release and feeling as though I am in control of avoiding negative emotions. She also said that I have a lot of shame and embarassment with my cutting so she knows that it isn't really that I like cutting. I didn't think I had any shame with my SI so I asked her about that and she asked "How do you feel about the scars on your arms and legs? How do you feel if someone asks about your SI? Are you proud of it?" It was then that I immediately knew what she was talking about. She also asked me what would I do if I saw a small child SI'ing? Would I ignore it or would I want to try and help them?" This was like the positive/negative question again. So it is a work in progress but I think today was a very good, productive, and honest session.

Sorry for the small novel but a 2.5hr session means that there was a lot talked about with me anyway, Didn't mention the SUI thoughts but did mention the SI thoughts and since I am hardly having any SUI thoughts I am happy with what I did tell her. However if I do have anymore SUI thoughts I will be a lot more comfortable approaching the topic,

Thanks for all your help guys, I really appreciate it!