rainbow, it sounds like you got so much done in this session, it is so understandable to be reeling afterwards

I'm glad you were able to express your anger and disappointment to T in an email, but I wonder how it will feel to sit with having said 'I hate you' for a week as she doesn't reply anymore? Don't forget you can always email again. (Just thinking of this because I sometimes impulsively say 'I don't care' or 'I never loved you anyway'... and then a few hours or a day later need to say 'well, actually, I do love you, but I felt angry because [...]').

Just wanted to respond to something in your title. I think for you at the moment it means the grief that T cannot be who you want her to be. Ugh, I feel this so often, and I know how much it hurts. But occasionally, 'T is not who I want' means something else... a sudden realisation when T is saying "I'm here", "you're not alone", that T is not the one I want. It's my partner. Or my mum. And I just wanted to tell you in case there is also this feeling lurking somewhere- not just the grief that T is not your mother, but your mother, rather than T, being the one you really want. Or maybe not. Just in case...

Sending you love and strength for the week ahead