After nearly two years of DBT, we're finally at the place where we can start addressing the past. T wants to do a thorough history taking, and we agreed we'd start by looking at my childhood photos. But looking through the albums now and thinking of T seeing them, I feel sick.

I'm scared that T will see the photos and think that I had a perfect life. And then she'll agree with what I've known all along- that the problem was me, not my life, there was just something deeply wrong with me.

It feels strange, because these albums are my mother's version of my childhood, not my own understanding of it. So at times it's like looking at another little girl's life. And although I'm sure it's important for us to see how my mother understood things, I'm anxious that T will take my mother's version as gospel and I won't get my turn.

I'm scared that T will see what a horrible stupid fat disgusting little girl I was, and take her love away. She has told me before that when we're interacting, she holds me in her mind as the adult I am now and the little girl I was then, and I'm scared the photos will shatter that and she'll turn away from me.

I've seen photos of T's little girl. I look at my pictures and compare us and see that her 'real' daughter is much prettier and funnier and happier and cleverer and... I feel like T will be doing that too, comparing us- how could she not- and she'll take away my share of her love and give it all to her daughter.

Looking at the pictures with T feels like a giant kick in the stomach- a huge reminder that I'm not hers and she's not my mama- I had a whole other life and family. And it's just too sad.

I've already told T all these things, and she was reassuring, but I still feel sick. This is what I haven't told T: I don't want T to see me. Which is strange because usually all I want is to feel truly seen by T. In one of her threads rainbow talked about the 'shame of being seen to be human', and I think this has been such a key feeling for me throughout my life. I feel ashamed that T will see these perfectly normal expressions and activities and appearances of childhood.

Just posting here to get it all out of my head, where it's getting bigger and bigger. Thanks for being the space where I can do that. My session is after lunch today. We've got an hour and a half, to give us time. Please come with me if you can