(((((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))))))

This DOES hurt. I think that the fact that sometimes T feels SO CLOSE to being "the one" makes it that much harder. Like we're dying of thirst and there's this big glass of water just out of our reach.

I remember the first time I felt that in therapy....that feeling of wanting T to be "the one" SO badly...it was actually pretty early in therapy, and wow, it HURT. It was like for the very first time, I acknowledged to myself what I didn't get growing up, and I really FELT the big hole that was left.

Over the years, T has given me so much, and that hole is being filled up bit by bit by T and by the love that T is teaching me to accept from others...but there is no way to go back and "redo" anything we missed as children. Sometimes that hits me all over again and it kind of takes my breath away.

It sounds like maybe you have some guilt over the time around your mom's death as well?? My dad died when I was 34, and it's easy to look back now and imagine what I could have done differently, but I know I did the best I could at the time.

I'm sorry it hurts so much, rainbow. I know the pain is part of the healing....it's just so hard to get from here to there. You're doing a good job.