Quote:
Originally Posted by Improving
that the responses have made me feel even more ashamed. I feel so sorry that you all suffered so much when you were little, and that you had to present a happy front to the world. It makes me feel guilty because nothing terrible ever happened to me... so the fact that my life didn't fit and I couldn't be happy or get what I needed doesn't make any sense, unless there is something badly wrong with me.
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(((((((((((((((Improving)))))))))))))))))
Ugh...shame is the worst feeling, isn't it?
Your experience is your experience. Your pain is your pain. Your feelings are REAL and just as important as everyone else's feelings.
My son has autism, but it's mild, and he looks like your average kid...which has always made it that much harder when he acts out in public. Ack, the dirty looks I've gotten!!! And as awful as this sounds, I've sometimes wished he had a more "obvious" thing going on...something that people can SEE...so that it would make sense to people when he acts out, and so that people would treat us with understanding instead of contempt. The fact that my son doesn't have a horrible disability, or that he doesn't look different from anyone else doesn't make the situation any easier. Sometimes, I wonder if it makes it harder.
Your shame reminds me of that. It's easy for me to look at my childhood and point to the things that were wrong. When I do that, my feelings make sense. Just like with my son, I bet it's a lot harder when things are more subtle, harder to see, harder to put your finger on. There is NOTHING wrong with you for having the feelings you have. Pain is pain. Period.
Thinking of you today. Please be *gentle* with you. You deserve gentleness.
