I didn't used to feel uncomfortable... that developed later. Now I feel something I oddly don't think I've felt before. Not jealousy, but..foolish. Ok, I've felt foolish before, lol. I guess this is more stream of consciousness so forgive me. I never felt foolish about feeling like T and I had a special connection until the white noise maker kept getting turned off by a T in an adjoining room who would leave for the day. I could hear the other clients and T joking. I could tell when they were hugging at the end. I heard him stop a client from leaving at the end to show off a new plant he had. One time he was gabbing so much with a client he nearly forgot to make an appointment with her and they laughed and set something up and then had a cheery goodbye. This isn't what we do... Made me feel a little less special. I started to feel a little silly that I never gave his other clients any thought. Mostly because I don't ever see them I guess. He always had so much energy he made me feel like I was the only one or at least that I was maybe a favorite and he looked forward to seeing me. Then one day he made a mistake. He's human-- I know. He said something extemely hurtful to me and even though I was crying, shaking and barely able to whisper to communicate he wouldn't let up. He had misjudged me so badly and he was so uncaring. It broke my heart. As we neared the end of the session he realized what was going on and that I was seriously harmed by him he tried to say he respected me and I just looked at him and shook my head no. I felt like even the guy I was PAYING couldn't withold being angry with my stupidity just like my family. The session ran over. I'm sure he said more to try and help me but I have no memory of what was said. I just know I mostly sat there in shock crying. When finally I left his office and the door closed I stood there for a minute. I had to catch my breath and resist the urge to just collapse to the floor and cry. I heard him open the door to his waiting room and energetically say 'hi! I am sooo sorry about that! Come on in! How are you?' and he and his other client shared a laugh. It was as though it didn't matter to him. He didn't even take a full second to gather himself. He immediately went to his next client. I didn't stand there long.. Whatever brought the other client to him was not my business. Now I do have feelings about him seeing others. I feel like I am nothing. He probably likes them more. I still wonder if he hurt me on purpose so I would stop coming because he can't stand to see me. We "fixed" things... More like I couldn't stand for him to feel guilty even though a lot of me felt he didn't. So I appeased him (as I do anybody who hurts me) so he wouldn't leave me. Acted like I forgave him and we are completely past it. Now I know I'm a fool who fell for an act. yet I'm so bonded to the core with this T that leaving him is not an option. Everytime I go see him and I am telling him about an issue I hear his uncaring words and frustration in my head, knowing that making this caring person act the way he did that day is exactly how I must have caused my dad to become out of control. And just like my sibling who was treated like she could do no wrong, I feel like that is what his other clients get. I'm the worthless piece of $&@# in his therapy family. My depression sinks deeper and deeper and I feel such shame everytime I talk to him. He shamed me for not getting better faster. While his other clients are treated like royalty. Yeah. Rationality be damned. That's how I feel.