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The problem is that my entire lifetime has consisted of emotional and physical abuse that began with my Father. He is the Patriarch Narcissist of my life and the Grand Daddy of them all. That's why it is so difficult for me to understand why I continue to attract these sorts of relationships...
I am getting better and I am healing more and more everyday - the scars you're left with from being raised by someone with the sort of extreme emotional deficits that my Father has runs very deep - It will take the rest of my life no doubt to work out some things and there are some things that may not ever be worked out.
I have decided I am going to try to get to know this gentleman, I know there are some good ones left out there and I would like an opportunity to know one.
I worry though because there are so many emotional variables in situations like mine - and I am well aware of that. I also know that there is a tendency for Survivors of Narcissistic abuse to become addicted to the drama and chaos that they have become so accustomed to. That’s the only way we feel "normal" so with the absence of drama and chaos we can become stale and complacent, sort of a kin to “adrenaline junkies” Survivors of NPD become “chaos junkies”. That is not to say that being a “chaos junkie” is voluntary thing, not by any stretch, much to the contrary - it’s something that has become programmed in us.
I do want to clarify that though my Father was not only abusive mentally but he is / was an extremely physically abusive Narcissist, I have not been physically violated by any other man even though they have been completely and totally Narcissistic beyond all reasonable doubt. I have only been tormented by them emotionally. On a different note, one very odd thing about Narcissistic relationships is that the “breaking up” period lasts much longer than the actual “relationship” period itself. These folks view you as a possession to which they are the rightful owner of. They harass, stalk and torment you emotionally for a long, long time before they disappear from your life completely. It’s like getting gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. No matter how hard you try, you can’t scrape it off.
J
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