Thank you so so much my lovely PC friends . I read your responses while I waited for T, and I felt the comforting weight of you all in my pockets. PTSD, that cat avatar of yours was particularly active and kept reminding me I had company

It was a strange session. We had an hour and a half but we didn't really talk. We ploughed through six photo albums and I pointed some things out to T, or briefly explained things, and sometimes T asked me about something. The albums are so heavy and I usually can't drive to therapy as I go straight from work, so I knew I wouldn't be able to bring them back any time soon. I really really wanted to get it over and done with today, so we went quite fast and T let me set the pace. So I'm left with the strange feeling that we generated lots of material for future sessions, but today didn't really feel like a session. I feel like I got 'enough' of T though, which is good. I don't really know yet what T thinks of any of it, but I can cope with the wait.

The end was horrible. The most upsetting photos were last, and then we were done and I was swinging wildly between begging her to let me be her little girl and promising I would be so so good if she'd only say yes, and totally attacking the little girl in the pictures (me, I suppose). I wanted to throw all the photo albums away, but T persuaded me to just leave them in my car for now. I guess that all the things I was afraid T would see- the horrible stupid selfish child- are the things that I see and believe about myself. T kept saying quietly again and again that she was a lovely little girl.

I feel really shaken. I had no idea that I feel all this hatred and violence towards the child that I was. I literally want to kick her head in till she dies. My head is really noisy with voices telling me that I stuffed up the first perfect life I was given and now I'm greedy enough to ask T for another chance? T is too good for me and she should take away her love before I break her like I broke my family.

And now (seriously bad timing, especially considering that I hardly ever see them) I have to go to the cinema with my parents and sleep at theirs. Ugh. I hope T will text me later and say something that makes some sense. Sorry if this post is all over the place.