all my life i have been ignored by my family.my mom has been cold towards me pretty much my whole life.she hardly has told me she loves me.plus i never got many hugs from my family.the only time my mom and dad paid attention to me was when they verbally and physically abused me.i hate being ignored.but it is better then being abused.i'm 40 and i hate my family.when my dad died 7 years ago i did not cry.i was actually relieved he died.i have a feeling when my mom dies i will be relieved to.because of being ignored i crave attention.when i'm ignored now i feel like crap and i cry in private.also my family treats me like a child.i don't have many friends.the 2 people i think are my friends live in cali and that's about 1,500 miles from me.they call me up and check up on me.but not being able to actually hang out with them sucks.i don't like going out much because i feel like a lonely loser in public.i use to hang out at one place to see bands play live.but i no longer go there much.i stopped going there because nobody would even talk to me.being ignored by family and strangers triggers my anger,depression etc.plus i get jealous of strangers and their friends.i do attend baseball games.i collect baseball players autographs.i get like a high when the baseball players pay attention to me.i grew up around a former baseball player and at times he'd give me attention i have craved.last year one of my favorite players asked me if i was ok.he told me that i did not look happy.i almost lost it in public.meaning i held back a lot of tears.i was not mad at the guy.i have better feelings about my favorite baseball players then my family.i have gotten hugs from several players.when my family shows me no affection.i wish i had a different family.i thank god at times for the baseball players that talk to me.mostly it's small talk.but i like the attention.then people are jealous of me and they complain about me getting attention from the baseball players.i just want to yell at the jealous jerks.at times all that keeps me from not going nuts is baseball and music.i just wish my family showed me love.but i don't think my family knows what love is or are capable of love.i have been told i can't change them but i can change how i react to them.but i have no idea what to do.