(((I'm not sure if I should put a trigger warning on this. I talk a bit about dissociating but no specifics about triggers))))
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So maybe I wasn't being sarcastic when I said this could be the best week of my life, despite all the triggers and having to see my abusers next week.

I was horribly triggered yesterday. Body memories all day long in waves. They just wouldn't stop.

I reached out to both oldT (emailed but she didn't write me back) and newT (emailed and she did write me back last night) and I saw newT today for a 2-hr session.

When I walked in, I asked her to turn her clock so I couldn't see it. She put the clock away. We talked about the email and I almost immediately launched into talking about the memory that came up. And I dissociated....but in a good way. As in, it felt good not to be there fully. I felt like I was hiding and it felt safer to be in a dark place while I talked.

I could hear and see T but she was far away, but I told her I was okay...I just needed to be "over here" for a little while, hiding. I said I was cold, and she gave me a blanket.

She let me stay that way for a while and then she encouraged me to come back and be with her, and slowly I came back. I was embarrassed when I came back. I had been sitting there under the blanket hugging myself tightly like a child, almost in a fetal position. But very still.

Yet, at the same time, I knew I felt safe. And T reassured me that I was safe and that I had no reason to be embarrassed. We talked about what it feels like to dissociate. She said she has dissociated in therapy too and it felt very similar to what I described. She told me I'm not crazy at all. I am a survivor, and this is how I survived.

I have to see my abuser soon, and I'm doubting my memories. I asked new T if I'm making everything up and she said she in no way believes I've made anything up.

We talked about how to get through this next week and she said she plans to email me or call and check in 2x a day if I need it.

I started to panic about the time and how long I'd been dissociating. I asked her what time is it? And she said "you have plenty of time. don't worry about the time." which was soothing to hear.

I just feel like she got it right. And I managed to say a tiny bit of what I need (hiding the clock and feeling cold, etc.) And she didn't have to ask me this time "what do you need"? She knew and she offered.

It was SUCH a relief.

THEN, I go to my car and check my messages and there's a long email from oldT full of validation and support. Like bursting at the seams. She talked about how my abusers did not validate or support me and how she will always validate and support me. Just amazing.

During session, I told new T that I had emailed oldT and I was worried she would be mad or discourage me from leaning on oldT, but it was just the opposite. She said she is so happy for me that oldT is staying in my life and that I deserve all the support she offers me.

I feel exhausted, but very full.