Thank you everyone. Still feeling very shaky but T and I have texted which helped. She gave me a more compassionate sentence to think when the noise gets very loud in my head. She said she's not taking her love away and I do deserve her love- I am good enough. She said not being able to be hers isn't because she doesn't want me- she does want me- it's just because it's not how it is.

I hope one day I can love myself even one tenth as much as T loves me. In the meantime, I'm going to try hard to trust her judgement and her understanding of the situation. My own self hatred and damnation have only brought me misery, so it's worth a try...