((((((((inbloom))))))))

You write eloquently, not jumbled up at all! It hurts me to know you're suffering from the reality of the therapy relationship, just like I am, plus the realization that you can't go back and have a different father. I know how hard it is to accept that. In a way, Ts tease us, offering love but it's not really their love that we want. But it helps heal us, at least I think it does.

I don't know if my own kids had that kind of relationship with their father, but my grandchilden do with theirs. It's incredible to see. I can relate to wanting to be the child, your child, any child and get the love you didn't get. I don't have an answer except to try to take in the love your H is giving to your daughter too. Maybe her joy can be your joy. And, in therapy it's okay to tell your T those 3 year old feelings as much as you need to.

I wish you peace and love.