I hope you don't mind if I go wild-guessing here. And please bear in mind that I don't know you, and may be sooo of the mark that it's not even funny. But you asked for thoughts, so here.

This whole thing sounds to me like there is a some refusal to take responsbility for getting the way things are on both sides. I am not saying you are responsible for her affair (and I am having hard time comprehending what a quack of a counselor would it take to try to blame you for it). I am suggesting that you probably are equally responsible for creating situation that existed prior to her affair. Prior to the affair was when things got bad and was the time to start counseling, but instead the affair happened. Still, not all needs to be lost

Emotional affair is usually result of a person feeling cut off, isolated, unseen, ignored, unappreciated... and a slew of other such words. Whatever she felt, that allowed her to seek solace outside, I am not saying she did not contribute to it. It takes two to tango, but maybe she didn't even ask you for a tango, just assumed you won't dance, and found herself someone who will. I have no idea of how savvy emotionally your wife is, but from that "I don't wanna talk" anger doesn't sounds like a whole lot. If so, just you and her talking is unlikely to have good result. You do need a good counselor.

But to get this thing patched up you both need a little more motivation than just not looking forward to the horrendous hassle of a divorce. Do you still love her? Does she? Can you imagine you managed to get through and you go on a second honeymoon (or honey week)?

I am very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, and I wish you good luck with it, hoping, that with some grace your marriage will not only survive but bring you both happiness again.