Hi everyone, I had session today and have been hesitating about posting here because my thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up (as they always are immediately following therapy). I realized, though, that part of the benefit of a forum like this is to put all the craziness out there, and that it is in that process that things begin to *un*jumble.....so, here I am.

I think that where I am at really mirrors alot of what's been discussed here recently....specifically in terms of the pain and sadness associated with T not being "the one" and with the reality that the relationship has limits and boundaries......(I think that my words to T today were verbatim, "I HATE boundaries!!!"

My session was good today....feeling really connected, really *knowing* that T loves me, and experiencing that and taking it in. We did talk about some really yucky stuff and that totally sucked, but even then, I knew that he was there and I felt safe.....it was just all of the things that make for a really good session. I even asked him at the end..."Do you still love me even though you have lots of other patients," and " will you still love me even when your next patient is sitting right where I am?" To which he responded "yes" and I believed him....I *believe* him......... BUT, and I really really hate that there has to BE a BUT......... I left and was driving home, and the sense of loss just really really swallowed me. I felt like I might actually have to pull over....I just felt this horrible, terrible, deperate kind of longing, and of *knowing* that what I just got from him in *there* will never be mine in real life...... and I guess now that I'm thinking about it and writing it....that's really not the worst part, because I think that I can accept that T loves me and that this relationship is really unique but comes with its own rules and limits. I think that I can wrap my brain around that. What really really grabs my gut and twists it, is this sense of longing to go back in time and be raised by him...to have a father that was loving and caring and accepting, and who I could love BACK!!! It REALLY hurts in a really HUGE way.

As I was thinking about the emotions and feelings that I have for T, and how young they feel, I started to think about my 3 year old daughter and the relationship that she has with her dad (my H). She loves him SO much....like SO much. They have the BEST relationship, and when he leaves the house, if she has to be left behind, she is just devastated every single time. And, the way that she expresses these emotions in just the most honest, big, real way...... I guess it's what I feel like every time I have to leave T's office. I am that 3 year old that craves the constant love and presence of a loving parent. The feelings that I have, and the emotions that come with them are as raw and young and real as those that my daughter expresses. I guess that means that when it comes to my dependency and neediness with T, I am stuck in that really young time again....just desperately wanting those things. The real difference is, of course, that my daughter gets her father in a really good healthy way, and I never did, and I never will.......*sigh*.......It SO hurts.

I hope that this all made some sense. I feel like I'm just spilling thoughts that may be disconnected and all over the place. I appreciate that I am given the space to do this...