My T emailed me back. She said my letter to my Mom was very beautiful and she is sure that this grieving will help me. She said she respects the hard therapeutic work I'm doing. She recommended the book, Motherless Daughters which I read long ago but I said it's worth rereading.

I emailed back though I won't hear from her again. I told her that I don't hate her but I am so disappointed and angry, and though I know the letter helped direct the grief where it belongs, it leaks out and gets mixed up with my feelings for her. I told her I didn't want her to have any clients besides me and that I have to keep writing her so I know she's here, and that I don't want her to die too.

We may go away next week and miss my appointment. My H says if my T can miss it, so can I. She changed it to Wed. instead of Tuesday. I told her that he doesn't understand but that I don't care if I see her since "it's not about you" anyway. I said I wanted to hurt her, but I know that anger is part of grief. I said I get immobilized and sad when I think about her.

So, this is going to kill me or cure me. I hope the latter. I got up at 5a.m. today and couldn't go back to sleep. I can't now either. I wish my T would write back again, but there's nothing she can say. She is here with me. I know that but I have to do this myself anyway.