This morning, I saw T for the third time this week, since we had an extra appointment after all of the weirdness of Monday.

T is SO QUIET sometimes. He sits there, and I know he is giving me "space", letting whatever comes up come up, and I know it's right, and probably, in the end, what I want so I can do what I need to do to heal...but at the same time, it's kind of like torture sometimes. I feel things start to push at me and...yuck.

So, he was sitting there being all quiet and I told him some things going on in my life. We talked about this thing I have coming up on Monday, and how I've worked through my feelings about it, and I think I will be okay now.

And then the silence was there again.

I had a HORRIBLE headache going in, so I laid down on the couch and was looking at the blinds on the window. Something about the blinds makes me start to drift away, and I could feel it happening. T asked "do you feel drifty?" and I think I said yes. I sat up, drank water, shook my head, did everything I knew to do to get grounded. I said I wanted to leave. T encouraged me to not run away from it, but to be curious about what was happening.

I think I went into my dark hiding place inside. I heard T from FAR away ask "are you resting or are you in the dark place?". I heard him saying my name. I have no idea how much time went by....I peeked out and nothing looked real. Somehow I told T I wanted him to sit with me, but I don't know if I said the words or what.

I held T's hand, and it was like being in the dark place but also kind of with T at the same time. I think I heard T talking about being safe, and about the sky. He put a blanket on me...I think I was cold.

I felt safer under the blanket so I peeked out at him. I asked him to tell me about how I'm safe. And he did - he talked and talked, and told me all of the reasons I'm safe, the reasons my mom can't/won't/wouldn't kill me if I told, the reasons I'm physically safe and emotionally safe and spiritually safe.

I asked him if he loved me no matter what. He said yes. I asked him if he loved him no matter what. He laughed and said it took work, but yes. I asked him if someday I would love me no matter what, and he said yes.

He asked how I felt and I looked around and everything looked normal again, and my head felt better. It was just T's office. Just safe and okay and normal.

The whole session seems like a dream - like maybe it didn't even happen - but I'm sitting here in my house, and I'm sure I went. Sometimes it's hard to come all the way back from the drifty place. I'm so sleepy.

I am trying to be in my life. Usually I can get kind of grounded back in my life, and at the end of session, T's office looked so CLEAR and I really thought I was all the way back, but now I'm not sure. I'm trying not to be scared, and I'm trying to breathe. I don't know why I can't quite get grounded. It's hard to be here in the middle, and the more scared I feel of it, the more likely it seems that I'll drift away again

I think I will see if my 8 year old wants to take the dog for a walk with me. It sounds awful, but not coming all the way back sounds worse.