I second what MUE says.

I like how you explain the way that your emotions for your mom get "mixed up" with those for T. I can really identify with this, and feel like I am in a very similar space. It hurts A LOT.....A LOT. I very much believe that this will *heal* you rather than *kill* you. I think that the truth is that you have already survived the worst of it. The part that would have had the potential to *kill* you is over. Now you are in the healing....but I have found that the healing hurts far more than the surviving. Auto-pilot is not a raw place to be, but feeling all the emotions that you put away due to being in auto-pilot.....now THAT hurts. Obviously, I am speaking of my own experiences here, but I am thinking that there is some truth there for you as well.

Try to remember that you ARE doing it. You ARE healing. When you are crying and hating your T and resentful, and feeling like a needy child, you are in the process of healing. Just keep going. Keep talking about it. I really feel like it is your amazing dedication to honesty that is going to get you to a place that feels more whole and doesn't hurt as bad.