I feel burnt out. I'm fighting it but I can't fool myself. Everything is an effort. And everything is reminding me of the fact that I'm withdrawing. People's texts, invitations to things, emails about coursework. At first I would think 'I really want to but I'm too tired.' Then 'I wish I would want to.' And now 'I don't want to, everyone bugger off and leave me alone.' But I won't say it. But even finding excuses is an effort! And it's like my brain is split into to, the one side knows, the other side is stubborn and thinks I actually want to rot. But every time I try to take over the 'sick' side and do stuff I end up feeling worse even if I can see that I can mask it adequately and glimpse the alternate reality that used to be My reality once. Am I making any sense? God these past few weeks have been mad. NEVER off meds experiment, regardless of what the pdoc suggests. And on top of that I have this guy that I kind of know but not really, asking me out! And it feels as if someone asks me if I fancy going shopping while I'm in a battlefield. I can't even deal with what to make for dinner. My brain crumbles. What I want to do is turn off this part of my brain that strives to keep up at least to the minimum pretences, put up a sign 'CLOSED FOR REPAIR' and keep painting nonsense.
So sorry about this rant, I don't even feel I should be ranting, it's mad. I hate how I sound, self-involved and feeling sorry for myself. Because I don't. Aaargh. Turn me off...
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