Thank you so very much everyone...
Not sure if this will make much sense, I'm still...whatever. Will take it slowly. A bit of backstory... I've been under unprecedented/unfamiliar sorts of stressors for months now, and have been seemingly able to manage, if barely. I've dissociated since childhood, but was completely unaware. Didn't know a thing about what dissociation was and had no idea it was occuring. (Often still don't till maybe later.) Only with hindsight has it begun to come clear just how much. Back to current times. Last night got some information that overwhelmed capacity. Received information with calm. It was actually shock and dismay. Shortly returned conversation to normal. I want people to be able to tell me things without fear of my reaction, right? Not to mention needing time to process.

So last night spent till early a.m. completely zoned. Trying to think but too numb to put anything into focus. No crying, no reaction. Just utterly numb. No sense of where I am or what I'm thinking. I'm not here, I'm not anywhere. Completely disoriented. Nothing is real. It just can't be real. Same place today.

Even though I had a psych appt. just yesterday (went well... totally about other things). I just left a msg. today. This is something I never ever do (not by a mile). Why??! I don't want to talk about it! Don't know what to say. Know it would open a whole can of worms where I positively do not want to go. And even if I could, I know what she would say. Something I cannot and will not do. Could say one part why not, no problem. The other part? No way.

(To allay any possible fears... it's not physical, psychological fallout is unintentional and no, I won't do anything.)